Free Will and Manifestation
What is this period of time that I find myself in? I call it free will, manifestation, and other hippie dippie shit…
Bad Bitch Era
It’s a beautiful summer morning in late June as I start this. However, just like with any creative process, it can take weeks to unfold. Quite honestly, it may not even make its way to my blog at all. It may just be for me.
But probably not. Because if this is the story of how I became a bad bitch, as the title of this journal indicates (Thanks Sabrina!), then it is my duty to tell it. Because this is the life I have chosen, or dare I say, MANIFESTED (eeew, cringe)! But could it be true?
Because we all have choices. We all have free will. It’s questionable whether we believe this, as I consistently encounter people in my travels who have yet to eliminate the phrase ‘have to.’ That dangerous little phrase always indicates to me that someone may be living by a set of rules they didn’t create.
Of course, it is common in our vocabulary. I find myself saying it too.
Healing from burnout
But that’s not the point.
I’ve been through some hard shit despite my privilege. And it is not lost on me that I have privilege. As a middle-aged, middle-class woman who lives in a ‘nice’ town, I can’t ignore that. The world feels like it is on fire right now. I have the choice of not looking at the news. However, I promised myself I would not stray into politics.
Healing from burnout will always be a work in progress. You could say I’m allergic to work. It’s an easy criticism. But those who know me know that I am a really hard fucking worker. However, the past few years wouldn’t necessarily indicate that. I failed at a new job 3 months in. For almost 2 years, I worked with people I loved at a company whose mission I fiercely believed in. But we ran out of money. Through all of this, I started my business because I truly believe in my soul work of supporting others to create their midlife awakening. My mission here is unwavering. But honestly, as good of a coach and teacher as I am (and I am), I am shit at the business part of this work.
I Got Scrappy
Towards the end of last year, I found myself with little to no income. I got scrappy. I drove for DoorDash. In addition, I donated plasma. I discounted some of my offerings. It didn’t work.
Before my career began in the early 2000s, all I wanted to do was facilitate in a classroom. To teach seminars, a concept that seems outdated now. I worked hard to become proficient in it. When I tell you that I sucked at first, trust that I am not just being hard on myself. But all the sucking made me not want to suck. So I worked at it. This is the kind of thing that people say about me now…
What people say about me now…
Learned a lot about my colleagues, and sharing ideas and concerns together was great. Jen made it fun and entertaining!
Open floor discussion. I enjoyed the cross-department conversation. Jen was great, very passionate, and wants us to learn, which goes a long way.
Our instructor! Jenn was very kind and knowledgeable!
Unemployment
That period of unemployment forced me to figure out what the fuck I was going to do with my life at 47 years old.
I thought, ‘wouldn’t it be amazing if I could find a way to create a steady stream of income by facilitating in person?’
It felt like a fantasy, especially in this economy.
But somehow, I found it. I underwent a rigorous interview process. I was rejected. Not because I didn’t impress them. The reason, because there was a single box that I didn’t check.
FUCK…back to the drawing board.
Until they came back with a small offer. One that has eventually grown.
I love the work that I’m doing at the moment. It’s not my soul work. But there is enough about it that brings me joy and makes me realize, it doesn’t have to be this or that.
Manifestation?
Was it manifestation? Good Luck? Hard Work? Intention?
I haven’t a clue, to be honest.
It’s worth mentioning that I have a tremendous amount of freedom in my life right now. For the past threeish years, we’ve cared for our elderly, special-needs dog. Even with the time that has passed since he passed, I miss him deeply. I feel guilt thinking – could have done more before making the heart-wrenching decision to let him go?
Scientifically, the answer was no. Emotionally, I’m not sure if it ever will be.
As I write this, I know I am not ready for another pup. I trust that someday I will be.
For now, the intention is to enjoy my Summer of Flow. This means:
- Spending time with the people who matter to me
- Trips in my van
- Sleeping late
- Slow mornings (and evenings)
I miss my boy every day. More than that, I miss having a dog. It actually makes my heart hurt, and as I even write this out loud, I feel guilty.
I don’t miss the responsibility.
This Summer
I’m making the most of it this summer by enjoying the choice I made to be unapologetically child-free. Early on, I recognized I had a choice.
I chose intentionally not to bring children into this world. There’s nothing complex to this other than the fact that I never had the strong calling that I’ve seen in others.
I have zero regrets about this.
That’s not to say that I don’t go through periods of sadness when I think about the connection I’ve lost to some of my friends. (Side note – friends that I see or talk to regularly; this is not about you).
I recognize that there is a relatability issue. While their houses are full of toys and their days are filled with driving to a plethora of child-friendly activities, I can pretty much get up and go wherever and whenever I please.
As much as I love that my choices have led me here, it can feel lonely at times.
While the bond between parent and child is one that I will never know, I am also not burdened by the stress of raising them in this world, a stress that I know weighs heavily.
Perhaps my purpose is to hold space for those who are having this deep level of responsibility. But that is not my decision. Awakenings cannot be forced; they can only be discovered.
Life of my dreams
As I was working 60 hours a week, traveling the world, and yes, making a good deal of money, I’d often think, someday I’ll be living the life of my dreams.
Is it someday right now? Perhaps…
Is it muddy? Hell yes!
In Buddhism, there is a phrase – no mud, no lotus.
It feels like my lotus is just beginning to bloom. I anticipate that there will be many patches of mud along the way.
This is my awakening. And my intention is to be awake for it.
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